You've thought about it for ages, and it's niggled at you, and you have times when you feel lucky just to have someone nice, and others when you feel like you're just kidding yourself. You convince yourself that you just need to make more effort and try harder, but pretty soon you realise you're lying to yourself, them, and everyone around you, and finally you make a decision. Then you worry that you're not strong enough to go through with it, so you tell a friend and seek their support and once you've poured your heart out and your friend tells you you're doing the right thing, you've forced yourself into it and can't go back, because they would know you were living a lie. You tell your friend your plans, and they offer a sofa should you need one.
You know you still love them, but you know it's not that kind of love. You never want to hurt the people you love though, so this is the hardest thing of all to get your head around.
The day comes, and you still haven't worked out what to say, so you just wait for a moment together and come straight out with it. It could go two ways - they're really upset, or they've been thinking the same thing and you've beat them to it, but that doesn't make any difference to how you'll feel later.
The first few days you will laugh and cry and reminisce and joke about dividing up your stuff. You tell your friends and relatives, and you get messages from people you haven't spoken to for years. You assure everyone you're OK because you think you are, and you don't want to bother them.
You start wanting to go out and see people and start your new life before you've even moved out, so you go out with people you really shouldn't be with, to places you wouldn't normally go, because you want to get out of the house and forget and show everyone how okay you are. But most of all, you want to be the one who is moving on the quickest. But then, all you'll want to do is go and tell them about it, because they've now become your best friend, but you can't because it's too weird. Your friends tell you to get someone to fuck as soon as possible.
You drink. A lot. You stop eating, and when you do eat you can't swallow and you feel sick. You lose weight and people comment and you like it because it's one positive thing to come out of it all. You're drinking on an empty stomach and you can't get anything practical done because you're always pissed. You're useless at work. You say stupid things to people and act like a right twat, all the time thinking you're fooling people that you're fine. But they've been there too.
You move out. The new place is empty and quiet and smells funny and you don't know where the strange noises are coming from. You weren't ready for being alone tonight. You sack off unpacking and go out for a walk. You buy wine and take it home and head straight for facebook to tell everyone how ace everything is. You avoid your bed because it's not yours, and it's empty. You feel excited one minute and think about the possibilities now ahead of you, and the next minute you have your head in your hands. All the songs that come on are sad ones and they ALL apply to you. The Field Mice are a fucking nightmare. You go out for another walk and wish you could bump into someone you know. You have places you could go but you look and feel a mess. You wish you weren't alone. You wish you could feel something, anything, but this. You put up posters to make the place your own, but it still feels like an intrusion on someone else's property. It seems like EVERYONE is out tonight having fun and you are going to be forgotten. It's Saturday night, and you are desperate to find someone else who is at home on a computer, but there's nobody.
You know you've done this to yourself. You're responsible for all of it. It won't sink in. You have gone. You're on your own now. You want a hug and to cry in someone's arms, but you also know you have to do this on your own. And you don't feel like you deserve it anyway because you are the one who finished it. Then the tears come, and they won't stop and it feels like you'll cry forever. You can't breathe and you're shaking and you want to run away but where? You catch sight of your reflection and you look like Kiss and it makes you laugh and then you cry even more because you have nobody to laugh with. You are terrified of nobody ever wanting you. You want to know you can make someone feel good, but not just anyone.
You're on your own now, and it feels most horrible late at night.
